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By dee_ayy
February 10, 2000
Disclaimer: They belong to 1013 Productions and 20th Century Fox Film Corp., part of Rupert’s nasty corporate empire.
Spoilers: Uh huh. For the seventh season episode “Sein und Zeit.” Be warned.
Category: V, A
Rating: PG-13 (one swear!)
Archive: Certainly. If you let me know where, I’ll visit.
Feedback: Rocks my world. dee_ayy@yahoo.com
Thanks: To Vickie and Peggy, for telling me to post this.
Summary: Eventually the tears stopped, and they talked. (Fill-in for “Sein und Zeit.”)
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Conversation in the Dark
By dee_ayy
“Mulder?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay now?”
“I think. . . . No, I don’t think so.”
“You will be.”
“Think so?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t understand why, Scully.”
“I told you, Mulder. She was sick.”
“I know, I know you told me. But it still doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t she tell me that? She could have told me that. I could have. . . . I would have helped her. Been with her.”
“Maybe she didn’t want to become a burden.”
“That’s crazy.”
“No, it’s not. I know what that’s like, remember? I felt the same thing when I was sick. It was my worst fear--becoming a burden on those who love me. On those I love.”
“It wasn’t a burden, Scully. . . . It wouldn’t have been.”
“I know that now, Mulder. I didn’t then. Your mom didn’t last night.”
“How could she have done this? How could she do this?”
“I don’t know. I think maybe she thought she was helping you, in the long run. She was a proud woman, your mom.”
“Too proud, apparently.”
“Don’t, Mulder. Don’t judge her. Don’t be angry with her.”
“Why not? Isn’t what she did a mortal sin in your faith, Scully? Isn’t she being judged?”
“Stop. That doesn’t matter. She had her reasons. Even if you never fully understand them, you have to believe she had her reasons. It’s not for you or me to judge.”
“But I have to understand. I need to.”
“She was your mother, and she loved you, and she wanted to spare you the pain of her long, slow, painful death. Isn’t that enough of a reason?”
“Selfish.”
“What?”
“It’s a selfish reason. How dare she make that decision for me. How dare she deny me the opportunity to help her. How dare she do this to me.”
“She was your mother, Mulder. It’s what moms do. They protect their children.”
“Don’t go there, Scully.”
“I’m not talking about your sister, I’m talking about you. Her son. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t matter now. She was protecting you, now, from this.”
“You’re sure of that?”
“No, of course not. But it makes sense, Mulder. I do know what it’s like to face disease and death. I might have some insight, you know.”
“I know. But there was a cure for you. Maybe there would have been a cure for her.”
“Unlikely. She was very ill.”
“So were you.”
“Stop this, Mulder. You can’t go through a litany of ‘what ifs.’ You’ll make yourself crazy.”
“This is already making me crazy.”
“Don’t let it.”
“I can’t help it.”
“You can. Just keep telling yourself that she loved you, and wanted to spare you pain.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know.”
“What do you think she knew about Samantha, Scully? Do you think she took those secrets to her grave. . . . Oh, God.”
“What, Mulder?”
“Her grave.”
“I know, I know. It’s okay. Let it out.”
“No, no, no. NO. I’m okay. I am. I’m not going to. . . . Not again. No.”
“Why not, Mulder? It’s okay. You’re entitled.”
“No.”
“Okay. Okay, then. Come here. Sit down again, anyway.”
“I always suspected she knew more about Sam than she would tell me. She could have at least told me what she knew.”
“Maybe she didn’t know anything.”
“The phone message, Scully. She said there were so many things left unsaid. Why would she say that? Why would she torture me like that? Why wouldn’t she tell me what those things were? What difference would it have made if she was about to . . . if she was going to . . . if that was her plan?”
“Maybe those things were about her illness. Maybe she didn’t know anything about Samantha.”
“No, I don’t think so. God, Scully, why didn’t I call her back? I said I would, and I didn’t.”
“You were deep in the middle of a case, Mulder. She knew that, she understood that. You would have called her back, but, . . .”
“She never gave me the chance.”
“No, I guess not.”
“But she called me again; what would she have said if I’d been home to take the call?”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Mulder. You’ll never know, so it does no good to wonder.”
“Can’t help it.”
“I know.”
“Did I ever tell you she was pissed when I went to Oxford?”
“No.”
“Didn’t like the idea of me leaving the country. Wanted me to go Ivy League. ‘There are perfectly good schools right here in the area, Fox,’ she told me.”
“Well, she had a point.”
“I know. But I had to get away. Far away.”
“Spread your wings.”
“Yeah, I guess. I think I was running away, actually.”
“And your mom knew that?”
“Maybe. Probably. She was my mom.”
“They always know, don’t they?”
“Yeah. . . . She did.”
“Mulder, I’m so sorry. I just don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine. . .”
“You don’t have to say anything, Scully. . . . . . . . . Funny thing is, though, she was the queen of running away--without ever leaving the house.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She didn’t deal with things. Pretended they weren’t there. Thought if she pretended long enough, they’d disappear. Pretended so long about Samantha that my dad finally walked out.”
“Maybe that explains this, then, Mulder. She pretended as long as she could, until it was too late; she was too sick, and she couldn't pretend any longer. And every day it would be harder and harder to pretend, and she couldn’t deal with that.”
“Maybe.”
“It makes sense, Mulder.”
“It does. But I still can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more. That there’s something I’m missing. A piece is missing.”
“Not always. Maybe this time it’s this simple.”
“No. And I don’t think I can face the prospect of never knowing! It’s so unfair, Scully. As if Sam isn’t bad enough, now this. Another mystery? She could have at least had the fucking decency to leave a note. To explain this to me! Don’t you think I deserve an explanation? I deserve a fucking explanation!”
“I know, I know Mulder. You’re right. You do. But listen to me. I’ll say it again. She was your mother. She must have believed she was acting in your best interests here. She must have thought that a full and complete explanation would have been too painful; more painful than doing it this way. You have to believe that; that she loved you. You have to.”
“I don’t want to, Scully.”
“You don’t want to believe that your mother loved you?”
“No. Not that. I know she did. In her way, she did. I don’t want to believe that it was as simple as her being unwilling to face her own illness. I can’t.”
“Why not, Mulder?”
“Because nothing in my life is ever that simple. Haven’t you noticed?”
“It doesn’t always have to be so complicated.”
“I don’t . . .God, I just keep going in circles, never getting anywhere. I don’t want. . . . I don't think I want to talk about this any more.”
“That’s okay. I understand. It’ll make sense to you eventually; enough sense for you to make peace. You have to believe that.”
“Do you believe it?”
“With all my heart.”
“I’m just so tired.”
“I know. Do you want to sleep? I’ll stay if you want me to.”
“I’m more tired than I’ve ever been in my life. But I won’t be able to sleep.”
“I’m sure you have something in your medicine cabinet that would help. I could go look.”
“No. I don’t want to do that. Can we just sit? Just sit here for a while?”
“As long as you’d like, Mulder. As
long as you’d like.”
THE END.